I would like to stay on the topic of attracting the right people in your lives. I have been carrying out a little social experiment recently in regards to the influence of using your smile. I believe smiling is really quite rare in London; so it is an interesting concept to try out especially in early morning commuter time when I am travelling to work. To take a simple concept of smiling at someone in today’s society can still be very new to the recipient as social norms state that we should carry out the opposite. When you live in London, there is a simple straight forward rule to interaction with strangers this is to ensure that you do not make eye contact with others, you do not smile and you are certainly speak to busy commuters. Social norms are there for a reason and sometimes they can be beneficial.
I have begun a few social experiments to see how two strangers can interact with one another. This is not restrictive to male to female but to anyone you can connect with linguistically. It is interesting in London to try out this, as not everyone is susceptible to wanting to create dialogue between one another.
To create dialogue between two you are required to build rapport and even build trust, but trust cannot be built instantaneously and is truly developed over time. When you speaking with someone and communicating about the likes, dislikes or just what was going on during their day it is very important for this to be organic and not be forced. Communication will come across many barriers and to effectively carry this out; you need to recognise the barriers around you and take note of the non-verbal signs that are being portrayed by the other. I also want to inform you that I am not referring to sex or a sexual relationship between two but much more than that!
There are four elements to this:
How do we see ourselves?
How others see us?
The trust or known as our primal feelings
The reaction we feel or push back
The portrayal of our self and the perception of ourselves will create a persona that can be seen to others. If we are not feeling whole or there mis-balanced in our emotions or we are facing an inner turmoil then this will be portrayed to others.
The others may see us first physically for what we are exhibiting in terms of clothes, body language and the words that we use. How we become when we do not trust someone is so completely different, we become closed, our sentences are shorter and gestures if seen will indicate that we will do not want to be in the conversation further. There might be short nods, closed sentences used and a look of wanting to depart from the conversation.
How doe we avoid this?
We need to create rapport and trust, there there will be no ‘push back’ and the conversations will be more than meaningful. This could be the difference between a deal going well or sour. To create we must be open to begin with. We want to be showing an open and honest want for a conversation that will mean you will show respect and you are listening. To leverage strong relationships can be for business or pleasure and they the connections made can be long-lasting but this all depends on the authenticity of yourself and the other party.
We can ensure that the relationship held is authentic by ensuring that you are not bring manipulative of a situation and that you can recognise the signs from the other. Some of the connections we make do not require to be long-lasting due to the manner you have met the other person in but if we are seeking to create long-lasting relationships then this is where is it is important to create trust.
“While rapport cam be built immediately trust takes time. We need to test the strength of the other person, gradually giving them more in see what happens. A relationship based on mutual trust is one of the most satisfying relationships possible.” (NLP Workbook, Joseph O’Connor)
The experiments I have been trying out from been from sceneries where trust has not been possible to develop. To trust is an intrinsic part of the relationship, it is almost giving a part of yourself up and allowing the other person to feel those emotions or play the scene in their minds. To trust can be only be created trust and for the strength of relationship to be felt you are required implicitly trust one another. This is not necessarily the case with meeting strangers, as the expectations to create trust and lasting relationships require time and ‘lift’ conversations will not allow this.
I often speak to people and they are complete strangers. It’s funny how easy it can be to speak to someone. The lift / elevator at work is a very interesting place as you generally meet people from parts of the business that you may not normally connect with. It is like the lift becomes almost like a safe zone. A connection between one passing place to the other.
I have used the ‘lift opportunity’ on several occasions to openly speak to people to see how one communicates in this ‘safe zone’. Actually, the experiment continues as I love to understand how people tick and what motivates them. So, what happened in the most recent lift experience was when I had my luggage from a very short weekend away. I didn’t want to get in the way but I noticed that the person was a fellow runner like myself. I openly asked him about his running and it turns out that he was running home. With my knowledge of running; it turns out that the journey home would be around 10 km and this was being carried after work. Something I have considered but I would have so many more items to take home with me so not really plausible.
What is the moral of this story? You can create open and honest dialogue with others. There does not need to be any agenda’s. Safe zones can be created to protect yourself and others. When you are friendly person you do not see the negative in others and giving trust can be given quite easily. #
How do we create meaningful conversations? Or even better still meaningful relationships?
When I mean that we should make meaningful relationships. I do not mean that we they should be in a sexual discourse to one another but I mean beyond this. To hold meaningful relationships you need to be able to openly communicate with one another and ask the right questions. To seek comes from an innate part of us all but to create meaningful relationships, there needs to be a greater trust and speaking naturally with one another. For some, this is very easy and can be communicated in several ways but for others this may take some time.
Meaningful relationships will require a leap of faith and building of trust that takes to time to develop.
When I tried my social experiment at work but speaking to someone from another department, I did not know what it would be like. To create ‘pure’ communication between one another and create long-lasting relations it in important creating the right signals with one another. This can be created via ‘mirroring’ and this means you are required to create an inner dialogue with yourself and the other person. In the short lift trip we discussed sports; running really. He informed me that he was going to run home and that ten km runs are diverting via Battersea Park and then a further distances will be travelled to be able to taken in the good weather and keeping fit at the same time. The conversation flowed because used the signals he was displaying; the running clothes and others aspects.
He openly confirmed he would be run all of the way home and the distance involved. I am sure we could have gone onto speak about so much more but the point of the conversation was to be polite and be interested with the fellow lift sharer. There is a crucial aspect to the conversation is that we openly discussed a mutually preferred subject and we were happy to create a rapport from the minimal information I had to work with at the beginning.
If this was another occurrence where there was more time to create a lasting relationship via respect then then the inner dialogue we hold would mimic the other but we not just mimic but there would be authenticity and desire to disclose information about one another. Communication would need to be honest and open; as we would need to communicate mind, body and an awareness from the inner self.
There are certain implications when communication between one another is not carried out in the ‘correct’ context. The correct manner is that you use integrity, honesty and that there are inquisitive questions where you are able to truly able to understand the other because you have communicated the right messages. There will always be a time when you will meet negative energies and you need to bounce back from these negative forces. To create lasting relationships there will be a mutual want or desire or purpose from the other. If this is not created then the connection or relationship will falter and dis-harmony will occur.